Well, at first, I didn't know how this site worked... Honestly, I thought it was just for art online and photography, so I put 2 poems in the journal entries. I'm about to start talking about my depression and some other people, who have it, and other people that I know with different mental issues. Anyways, I've learned so much about this site in the past day and a half (I think?). I love it. <3 I just need to get used to it more. You know? At the moment, I'm listening to music and trying to decide on exactly what I want to talk about when it comes to my topic; depression... Here goes...
I can't exactly remember when I got my Clinical Depression (Or so, that's what I think it is.). Here's a link: [link]
I think, I've always had it. There probably wasn't anything to trigger it, actually. It's just, terrible. And if you have it, you should know what it's like; lack of motivation, feeling like the world's collapsing in on you and you just can't take it... Don't worry. I know, pretty much, how you feel. I understand. A lot of people can't stand me, because I get so mad, Easily, over the most stupid things. I think, it's mostly because I don't want to show the face that I'm depressed. :/ I wish I could change it, but I've tried. The only way for me to be happy is when I'm with my boyfriend, Roderick. He helps.
He has his own problems, that I'm not about to talk about, because it's his business and he trusts me. I love this guy, because he tries, so hard, to make me happy, even when he's not... I've cut myself 2 times, so far. Not deep, but who knows? I might. Just not to the point where 'I'm intentionally trying to kill myself.' Anyways, I think, this whole depression issue got worse when my daddy died. </3 I miss him so much. He died July 22, 2006. He wasn't the best dad and definitely not the best husband. But I loved him, so much. He was like a pal to me. I was about to turn 9, July 31st, that year. I felt like I was losing everything. Which was partially true. I lived with him, my grandma, my grandpa, and our 3 cats. Those were some pretty good years of my life, actually.
When me, my grandma, and my grandpa moved, he was left at the old house, with no money, nothing. It was terrible, for me. I hated it.
He ended up moving in with my Aunt Holly, my Uncle Tommy, and their kids. That's when he went to the Orange Park ER, here in Florida, because of really bad chest pains. They didn't do much about it. All the did was say drink plenty of liquids and get some rest. So, he did. My aunt and uncle tried waking him up, in the morning, only to find that he had died in his sleep... Later, they found out it was a blood clot in his lungs. I can't tell you how devestating it was, for me, for everyone. Even, my mom.
It still makes me cry, every other day, almost. That is what made my depression get worse. And after that, it seems to get worse, every year. I don't know why, though. :/ Most of my family lives far away and a lot of them don't have much to do with me anymore. It sucks.
I wish my dad was still alive today... He'd be able to hug me when times get rough.
My papa died December 19, 2009 (I think?). That made me really depressed. My grandma lost her son and her husband, in such a short period of time. I regret thinking of my papa's hugs as silly. (I'm crying now.)
I just...feel so terrible. I'm always telling Roderick not to take his family for granted. Especially, his grandparents, because you don't know how long they will be there, until...they're gone. It's so hard to talk about this with anyone, because I usually, cry... My mom's been smoking, since she was 11, and I don't know how long she'll be alive. That is why I'm never going to smoke...
I wish I could smile more, but I just can't seem to do that. I wish that I could feel better than this. Everytime I get happy, something knocks me down again. I just keep repeating the pattern, over and over again. It's just making things worse, for me. I've been spending more and more time in my room now. I can't seem to sleep much anymore, at night. 2am is usually, the earliest time I can seem to go to bed now. About a month ago, I stayed up, until around 7:30am. I'll usually, start to get tired during the day, because of the lack of sleep. I usually, need about 6 hours to push through the day, but I seem to need 8 hours now, because my depression makes me tired, so easily. I heard that's a symptom of every depression, especially mine.
Roderick tries to stay up with me, but usually, falls asleep around 11pm or 12am. Sometimes, he'll wake up around 2-4am, to talk to me, only to fall back asleep 10-20 minutes later. I keep telling him he doesn't have to suffer, just because I can't seem to sleep. He still does it, anyways. He hates to see me like this. It's killing him inside.
I want to comfort him, but I can't seem to do that when I'm depressed. I can't count how many times I've picked up a blade and put it to my skin, only to think about the promise I made to him. I did it twice tonight. :/ I try to close my eyes and smile. It seems to help, almost everytime.
I don't know why anyone would bother reading any of this, but if it so happens you are reading this, please do what I just told you that I do. Close your eyes and try smiling, for a while. You'd be surprised how much it helps, sometimes. Now, I don't know if it helps everyone, but it kind of helps me a bit. You know?
I'm so lucky to know some people with the same problem as me... If I think about it, to most people that don't have it, it must seem so easy to stop being depressed. The truth is, it really isn't, actually. It's not easy to forget you're depressed, at all, unless it's just one of those temporary depressions. But then again, you don't know if it is or not, unless it continues to be that way, for a long time, and doesn't seem to cease, at all. I have people to get me through what I'm going through. Sometimes, 2 wrongs make a right. Just saying. (: If there is anyone on here that would like to talk to me about this, you can add me on Facebook. Here's my link: [link]
(If you don't have a Facebook, just send me a feedback message, giving me your email, if you want. Whatever you prefer.)
Remember: You're not alone. <3